RANSVESTIA

The few books that were available were often missing, indicat- ing other reserachers were at work; when I did find a book, it didn't seem to make sense, ot it's description didn't seem to fit my situation. I became more and more depressed as my search turned into an endless series of disappointments.

My dressing in college was a continuation of adolescense, as Icontinued to live with my parents. I finally made a few pur- chases for myself. Actually, I made the SAME purchases several times - I would buy clothes, wear them, throw them out with a vow never to dress again, and then buy the same clothes all over again. This expensive exercise went on during most of my college years.

My personal life was a mess. My high school sweetheart and I were to be married after I graduated from college. She, of course, was ignorant of my dressing. However, before we were married Idecided to do the "honorable" thing and tell her. That almost ended the marriage plans. She was shocked but she even- tuallt grew to believe that I probably had a curable disease. I all fairness, I must say that I shared her belief.

After I told her, I sought out psychological help. I spent two years, two sessions a week, undergoing strict Freudian analysis with a therapist at the university. At the time I believed that the purpose of the therapy was to eradicate my dressing through understanding the root causes. What was really going on, however, was that Iwas building a foundation for self-understanding. I feel that the analysis was very important in that it better equipped me to accept myself as a total person.

My sweetheart and Iwere married, as planned, after my graduation. I continued therapy for another year, after which I was convinced that I had been "cured". I put dressing out of my mind, sometimes by sheer force of intellect, for over three years. When the need to cross finally overtook my ability to surpress it, I resorted to "trying on" my wife's clothes without her knowledge. This was both absurd (she was half my size) and unsatisfying. However, since I was "cured" and couldn't admit the need to dress, I kept up this game for another three years.

Then for a variety of reasons, at least some of them related to dressing, I decided to leave my wife. I never really gave her a

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